I slide on my deceitful mask of exultation before I start my day. My true nature lay hidden behind a façade of false emotions, for my insides tell a different story. The soul I hold so dear is being eaten away by an endless void. I stand here alone, in the darkness of my own personal hell. I hear voices of the ones who care calling for me, guiding me to safety, but they are only echoes that flow endlessly around me. I continue on in search for my own sanity, but it eludes me. I’m lost in life. My meaning in this world has no clear direction. Weak is how I will be perceived, so I wrap my feelings in a veil of deception. I tie my mouth closed so the words that are stored in my mind do not escape and reveal the wrong meaning. There is no one who can help, or maybe, I do not wish to seek out help, but instead, go about my day in lies. Nothing matters; nothing is of concern, as I struggle to achieve the simplest chores. The energy that once drove me has been washed away into the sea of despair. All I do, all I attempt, is a failure, and at times, it’s a failure in a life that fades further away. Is it that I don’t care, or is it that I have given up? My personal demons are beckoning me to journey to the other side; to blow away the emotional dandelion seeds of mental anguish and put my fragile soul to rest. The small glistening metal of death shines brilliantly in my fractured mind, gravitating towards the pulsating life line in my wrist. I check my watch, only to discover that only five minutes have passed. This day, like every other one, will continue for now. For I wait until the next unforeseen disaster in my chaotic life to send those echoing voices who are trying to guide me, into that void forever. I lie in bed and remove my mask, causing the walls of sorrow to drift towards me. No one understands; no one can comprehend. I turn to the side and pull the sheets over my head in a desperate attempt to shield me from the world outside. I pray that one day this horrific spiral of doom I dwell in will someday reveal the ever so elusive light at the end of the tunnel. Just one day. Just one day of glimmering hope.
As blanket of hopelessness covers me. My day is over, but the horrors of life remains. Every fiber of my being is being torn between what little hope I have and the malevolence of my darker half. The voices still call my name, but they don’t understand, nor can they ever. The further they drift, the further the last ounce of my energy drifts with them. A voice so tender cuts through my disarray, separating itself from the others. Its soothing sound calms the blowing winds of lost hope. I feel a connection to this voice that words cannot describe. From the nothingness, a glimmer of light emerges; its radiance grows stronger as it approaches. It gives me life. It gives me new meaning. An entity, whose exquisiteness is unmatched by any wonders of the universe, emerges with a blanket of love to wrap my distressed soul. There is nothing that can capture the awe it emanates. I spread my arms to draw this presence close; to pull the essence of passion that it expels to me. That shiny metal of death that once called for me dissolves into dust of love. I need this being. I want it, but this gift of devotion seems to be an impossibility to grasp, for its transparent beauty shines so bright, that it appears to be an angel that the heavens have sent to guide me. In this short time, my blood boils for this being. My conscious yearns for it; for its sweet voice to flow gracefully into my ears like the wind blowing through the meadows. My lust grows with every passing second it graces my inner conscious. I want to take hold of this beauty and feel the softness of its skin. It saddens my heart, and yet, this treasure that floats before me brings joy to my once vacant soul. To know that it is there, to love and to be loved is the best feeling that I could ever ask for. The entity slowly begins to vanish before my once swollen, tear filled eyes. I whisper my love in its ear, and its tender voice whispers back, “I love you too.” For the first time since my entry into the never ending darkness there is a sense of hope.
The nights pass and I drift down the river of life searching its banks for the entity I so dearly miss. I wait ever so patiently for its warm glow of love, but it is nowhere to be felt. My heart melts in its absence, it yearns for its caring nature. Without it, I fight my inner torment to keep me sane, to keep me from falling off the cliff of despair. My insides feel as if they are closing in around the emptiness. The gloom of my existence begin to weigh heavily on my soul. I try to comprehend what it is about the being that I depend on. Is it the love that it spreads over me, or is it something else? I still wait. I no longer desire to slip into oblivion; to vanish from existence, but the pain of expecting its return is torturous. I need to have it near me, for this presence makes me complete. I want to cage it, make it my own, so I may shower it with love. It should be no one else’s but mine. I am going to be greedy, for nobody would be able to treat this entity the way a true angel should be treated. It is not fully mine as I wish it to be, for this light of magnificence shines on others. I would wrap up the wonders of the universe and give it to this being if I could; even though that would still not be enough to satisfy what it rightly deserves. The undeniable beauty inside and out is enough to bring out the best in me. Without it… I am lost. I wonder if I have done something wrong for it to be absent this evening. I close my eyes tighter, expecting to see the glimmering light it radiates. Just when my hope is ready to give, I see it, slicing through the darkness in a spectrum of vibrant colors. I feel that I cannot justify being with something as wonderful, so delightful, as tender as this angel. The closer this piece of heaven comes, the more my soul is calmed. I want to ask why it has been away, why it has ignored me, but I hold back, for its splendor is captivating. The tears that swelled up from my yearning, has changed to tears of adoration. I try to hold this entity… it is so close, but yet so far away. My touch it cannot feel, but I can feel the touch of this divine being inside me. It doesn’t come close, but I feel relaxed. All I want to do is bask in its beauty, to absorb all that it is. The being drifts away, its arms stretched out. “Don’t go,” I plead. “I must,” it answers me back. “I need you.” “I know you do. Remember I’m here with you, always.” It fades into the darkness, once again leaving me. My love for it is unmatched, it always will be. I feel alone, not fully complete. I think to myself, all I need is one thing… to be wrapped up in a blanket of affection, and to hear a voice tell me that everything will be alright. I miss this being already, but I know it will be back. I will wait like I always do. I will wait until the end of time to be close to it again.